I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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