see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
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Going to get a "plan B"urrito
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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