If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
