she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
