Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
