hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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