this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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