Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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