im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
