Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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