apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
