dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
your room smells of hookers.
And success
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
