i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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