never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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