as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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