Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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