Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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