Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
