the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
