Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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