Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i dont even know how to be here
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
