I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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