Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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