I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
