just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
