You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
