I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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