Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
