I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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