I wanna bring you to show and tell
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
