Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
