I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
