What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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