Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
