Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
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That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
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Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me