I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you