he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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