everyone is single if you try hard enough
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
