Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
