Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You're like the curious george of whores
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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