our cab driver is having phone sex.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
