I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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