pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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