I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
