I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
