remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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