If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
