i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The struggles of a small town man whore
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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