operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
