I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
