remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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