Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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