fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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