My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
