That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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