i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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