So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk