that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
