Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(760): View more from California

What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

(619): View more from California

Cremation, why do you ask?

(760): View more from California

I think we have a bit of a problem

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(760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo (619): Cremation, why do you ask? (760): I think we have a bit of a problem http://tfl.nu/6d26

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions. http://tfl.nu/p23c

Replies (35) Good night (5899) Bad night (778)
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(480): View more from Arizona

turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

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(480): turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way. http://tfl.nu/4k3o

Replies (30) Good night (5055) Bad night (957)
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(850): View more from Florida

Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.

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(850): Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober. http://tfl.nu/1ay2

Replies (44) Good night (3632) Bad night (943)
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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(902): Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know. http://tfl.nu/6wh4

Replies (10) Good night (3356) Bad night (1204)
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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(979): Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again http://tfl.nu/ae74

Replies (5) Good night (2955) Bad night (947)
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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk

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(709): we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk http://tfl.nu/yaqj

Replies (11) Good night (953) Bad night (1965)
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(585): View more from New York

Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.

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(585): Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent. http://tfl.nu/ihl8

Replies (3) Good night (1668) Bad night (741)
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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(214): My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/7yfd

Replies (4) Good night (2009) Bad night (762)
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(360): View more from Washington

All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.

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(360): All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower. http://tfl.nu/z2xv

Replies (15) Good night (1660) Bad night (1022)
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(703): View more from Virginia

I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

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(703): I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK? http://tfl.nu/mw9u

Replies (16) Good night (602) Bad night (2197)
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(706): View more from Georgia

He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.

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(706): He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle. http://tfl.nu/6yo0

Replies (4) Good night (803) Bad night (1008)
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(303): View more from Colorado

Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.

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(303): Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way. http://tfl.nu/uitb

Replies (7) Good night (688) Bad night (1011)
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(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

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(775): He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home http://tfl.nu/6g10

Replies (6) Good night (1153) Bad night (530)
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.

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(570): I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one. http://tfl.nu/0y92

Replies (1) Good night (165) Bad night (385)

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