You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
