Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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