How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
